“What if I am gay?” It’s almost as if I had to force the air to utter those words. I looked at my dad with tears in my eyes, awaiting his response.

“We would love you just the same.”

Total shock. I knew my dad was a good man and a good parent, but I still had the fear that pretty much every LGBTQ+ kid feels, especially growing up in a conservative, Christian home. At the time, I didn’t really understand the difference between sexual orientation and sexual activity, which gave me the impression that my internal feelings dictated what my reality had to be. The last thing my dad told me in that conversation was this: “You don’t have to label yourself any certain way right now. Give yourself the time to figure it out.”

My intention for writing this piece is not to bring shame on anyone. Rather, I hope to offer a perspective that some may not have yet considered. If that leads to conviction, to God be the glory. I also want to  acknowledge the complexity of this subject. I am not a parent, so I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must be to walk through life with a child, even without the ensuing identity crises. I am only able to talk freely about this part of my life because of the relentless love my parents showed me. They want the best for me and remind me every day that their love is unwavering, regardless of what I choose. 

That being said, I do think it is important to approach this topic with immense care. Loving your LGBTQ+ child does not mean affirming their choices but rather affirming their identity in Christ. True love is walking with your child even when it feels like you are braving quicksand. True love is not absent of pain or heartbreak. It seeks to mend what has been broken and rejoice in what has been saved. If you are the parent of an LGBTQ+ child, there is no reason to grieve. You have not failed. Rather, you have been given a unique opportunity to love greater. The Lord has entrusted you with something special.

Orientation vs. Activity

Growing up, I remember hearing people refer to homosexuality as a lifestyle choice. “If they would just look to Jesus, they would be cleansed of their homosexuality.” That was the kind of rhetoric that surrounded me. While I loved Jesus with my whole heart, the attraction to guys didn’t go away. Did this mean something was wrong with me? Did this mean I wasn’t a strong enough Christian?  It is important to understand that while participation in homosexual behavior is a choice, experiencing same-sex attraction is not. It is a product of the fall and it feels natural to those who experience it. As believers, it is important that we understand this distinction. Failing to do so erases a very lived experience from the lives of many of our brothers and sisters. 

Although homosexual attraction feels just as natural as heterosexual attraction, we do a disservice to same-sex attracted Christians when we tell them that what feels natural is good for them. We sit through sermons detailing other worldly feelings – lust, greed, idolatry, and envy, just to name a few, but when it comes to sexuality, many Christians (and churches) have trouble accepting the same reality of sin. 

Ultimately, same-sex attracted Christians have three choices: A) embrace their earthly desires, B) pray for a life-giving relationship with someone of the opposite sex, or C) pursue vocational celibacy (i.e., abstinence from marriage and sexual activity). I have chosen the last option. Celibacy and biblical marriage, however, both require absolute faith in Jesus. Let me emphasize that same-sex attraction is not easy to wrestle with, and this is coming from a 23-year-old who’s had at least a few years of experience!

Discomfort is Finite

There is a principal I live by every day: discomfort is finite, and Jesus is infinite. This means that no matter the pain I experience, Christ’s eternal promise still stands. In 2 Corinthians 5:17, we are reminded of the goodness of mortality. I’m not referring specifically to physical death, but rather the transformation that takes place when we accept Christ into our hearts and die to our flesh. Scripture says, “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, [and] the new has come.” When we choose to follow Jesus, our situations do not necessarily get easier, but we have a hope that is unfailing. If I didn’t have Jesus, I couldn’t live my entire life as a single person. Although there is earthly discomfort in pushing back against my same-sex attraction, I know that I am being sanctified (or made holy) in the process.

When I first started coming to terms with my sexuality, I felt like there was something very wrong with me. But just when the Devil reminds me of my earthly inadequacies, Jesus reminds me that I am His beloved, His beautiful bride. He loves the broken parts of me more than I could ever hate them. Once I started to accept that, the Lord began opening my eyes to ways I could shepherd others, especially those who could relate to my struggle. Discomfort in the name of Jesus is righteousness. I like to think that in those uncomfortable moments, the Lord is fitting us for our wings. May you never look at strife the same way again!

Being Good Soil

Although I am not a parent, I want to use Jesus’ Parable of the Sower in Matthew 13 to compare the different soils he describes with how parents approach issues of sexuality.

The first kind of soil (or lack thereof) represents a parenting style which fully affirms LGBTQ+ children’s sexual identity. Parenting that utilizes a “whatever makes my kid happy” mentality is insufficient, as Christian morality is not bound by our concept of happiness. Further, it undermines the intentionality of God’s miraculous design. If you never have conversations about biblical sexuality with your child(ren), you cannot expect them to understand how they are to walk in purity.

The second kind of soil, patchy and rocky in nature, represents a conservative, legalistic parenting style. In these homes, grace is far off and children recite the “clobber passages” by heart (i.e. scripture that condemns homosexual behavior). Additionally, LGBTQ+ children in these homes often feel like they must perform heterosexuality to satisfy parental expectations. And while they may be inundated with a conservative view of sexuality for 18+ years, their obedience and abstinence are often prompted by fear of condemnation rather than a sincere desire to grow closer to Jesus. When many of these children grow up and leave their legalistic homes, they struggle to reconcile their faith with their sexuality and may leave the church altogether.

The third kind of soil, producing the highest quality of grain, represents a parenting style that combines love with grace, and grace with truth. The good soil not only grows children in righteousness (love + truth), but also supports them when they wither (grace). I encourage you to have candid conversations with your child when they ask you about sexuality. If they express to you that they think they may identify as LGBTQ+, you should first take this as an opportunity to listen and ask questions. “What makes you feel this way?” “How long have you felt this way?”

Secondly, remind your child of their identity in Christ. This isn’t accomplished by inundating them with scripture condemning homosexuality, but rather by reminding them of the beauty in God’s design. We have to shift the conversation from fear to beauty. We are telling our children that God created marriage so a man and a woman could come together to humbly serve Him. But marriage isn’t the end-all-be-all. He used single people like Paul to make disciples and bring the Word of Christ to the world. As Christians, we don’t want to make marriage or relationships our child(ren)’s idol. Reminding them that even singleness is a high calling can bring a sense of comfort to their situation.

Lastly, realize that you don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay to tell them that they don’t have to have everything figured out right away. Sexuality can feel very confusing and take years to process. Asking your child if they would like to see a counselor is a wonderful first step. I recommend a Christian counselor who specializes in issues regarding sexuality. Be mindful that while many Christian counselors have turned away from reparative or conversion therapy, some may still use these practices. It is imperative to have a conversation with the counselor about their practice before sending your child to them.  Above all, remember that no path is perfect. Your child is going to mess up – God already knows that. Your job is to bear witness to their sanctification by loving them fearlessly. That’s it.

Learning to Stay

Most likely, you identify with one of the three types of soil in the parable above. Maybe you’re hurting and feel convicted, or maybe you’re feeling utterly confused. Sit in that for a while, but know that Christ compels you to give your anxieties to Him. As a parent, your responsibility is not to fix your child’s problems. You are, however, called to remind them of whose they are, and encourage them to walk daily in the ways of Christ.

Stay. That’s all He asks of you.

And while you cannot make your child’s decisions for them, the beauty of the Gospel is its ability to impact hearts. If you raise your child(ren) on Jesus, you have nothing to fear. They are a testimony waiting to be told of the power of Jesus who, having every opportunity to turn His back on us, stayed.

May you know nothing but hope. 

If you are the parent of a same-sex attracted child, there is no reason to grieve. You have not failed. Rather, you have been given a unique opportunity to love greater. Click To Tweet