“Mr. Mom”

I began to think about gender identity a lot when I became a primary caregiver for my kids. It fell to me to nurture, to snuggle, read stories, kiss “owies” and make them better, rock people to sleep (fun fact: all the blogs I write are typed into my phone while I rock my son during nap time), and so on.

I oftentimes am the only dad at story time, or the children’s museum, or the park. 

People called me “Mr. Mom” on occasion; I wondered if it was feminine to take care of kids, and why that should be the case. It took endurance for the constant vigilance of watching a rather careless individual who didn’t know better. There was heavy lifting of all the stuff needed for an outing (car seat, baby, bags, etc). Plus, I needed a rather stoic personality to bear with the silliness, tantrums, and constant demands the kids had.

But, society was telling me my involvement in reading books, teaching the arts, providing childcare, and cooking read as “feminine,” instead of manly.

Had I misidentified myself as masculine? Unarguably, I was born male (anatomically), but where was the dividing line (if any) between my gender and my sex?

The Difference Between Sexuality and Gender

Whenever people talk about sexuality, gender identity seems all mixed up in the discussions.

Gender identity is what a person identifies as based on their perception of what it means to be masculine or feminine.

This is primarily a social phenomenon: the aggregate of characteristics attributed to the concepts of “male” and “female” in a social group determine gender identity.

One possible example comes from stereotypes:

Female Stereotypes: delicate, emotional, nurturing, nuanced, and social.     

Male Stereotypes: strong, stoic, aloof, shallow, and gruff.

I could formulate a simple quiz, based on these–and other–stereotypes, and someone could theoretically determine their gender based on societal norms.

But, the exterior trappings of gender can and do change. Look at this flamboyant display of masculinity in the form of King Louis the XIV. It reads rather differently to a modern eye, doesn’t it? I imagine a suit and tie would be the preferred masculine clothing for the western world today.

So, while I may accept the cultural status quo that a man is strong, athletic, not given to crying or emotion, surrendered to sexual and physical appetites, and slightly stupid or unsophisticated, I can understand how these perceptions of masculinity could change. Even as I try to live up (or down) to those expectations, I realize that I am chasing a social construct, to a degree. 

When I conclude I am or am not very masculine based on how I match up with the list above, I tell myself that it doesn’t really matter as much, because it’s in the eye of the beholder.

Along these lines, I felt “manly” when I ran my fastest 5k ever, last year. I’d been running for months and worked my way up from barely running a mile a week to running fifteen miles each week. But that definition of manliness as physical stamina is somewhat arbitrary, and is contradicted by other definitions of manliness. Some concepts of manliness focus on eating too much, or drinking to excess–both of which seem at odds with the idea of being fit or athletic.

Defining Sexuality 

Gender seems to rely on mental categories, but what about sexuality?

Sexuality requires a body interacting with another body in a particular way–or at least the desire for such an interaction.

Sexuality is thus inherently relational. It’s more grounded than the individual personality traits and behaviors that comprise our idea of a stereotypical male or female. Sexuality can be defined as “a capacity for sexual feelings,” and furthermore as “a person’s sexual orientation or preference” or simply “sexual activity.”

Feelings are toward someone else, even in a general sense (like being attracted to the opposite sex), and sexual activity is with a partner (I don’t need to enumerate the exceptions for the purposes of this discussion).

Some of our earliest known depictions of a human figure in art, dating back to the paleolithic, are thought to reflect physical attributes considered either attractive or important for survival–or both. Seemingly, this relational aspect of sexuality is rooted in our earliest art as a species, that people made in prehistory.

This embodied and relational sexuality is not just my thinking, alone; it mirrors that of the apostle Paul.

The Body of Christ

We cannot accurately think about sexuality from a Christian standpoint unless it is embodied.

My wife and I were attracted to each other’s personalities, but also, I think she is physically beautiful. 

My feelings aside, to understand the biblical vision of sexuality as a physical relationship, we can consider how it can go wrong, as well as what it’s intended to be.

Sexual Immorality 

To understand how sexuality works, it is perhaps instructive to consider how it can go out of bounds, morally.

1 Corinthians 6:15-16 doesn’t mince words on sexual immorality: “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two will become one flesh.'”

The scandal here is not just the physical intercourse with a prostitute to fulfill a sexual desire. Sex does more than fulfill a physical appetite; it connects people, identifying them with each other, physically and spiritually. Our bodies, as the temples of the Holy Spirit, and the expression of Christ to the world, should not be united in immoral behavior with others.

Another example of this body-spirit connection appears in this command: “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

Somehow, how we relate to others physically affects our spiritual life.

To deepen our understanding of sexuality and spirituality, Paul observes that: “he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him” (1 Corinthians 6:17), highlighting the unity of the believer spiritually with God.

We do not only compromise our own identity if we are sexually immoral, we also degrade God when we participate in sexual immorality as Christians. This point is not lost on the critics of Christianity, when they observe spiritual leaders who sexually abuse others or consensually participate in marital infidelity. 

What we do with our bodies matters, affects us spiritually, and compromises or upholds our witness to the world about the difference a connection to Christ makes.

How Should We Live?

There is a lot of focus on sexuality and purity in Christian circles: apps help people maintain accountability; accountability groups help people cope with sexual temptation or addiction; and teens are sometimes given promise or purity rings so they “save themselves for marriage.”

There is also personal discipline: I have known college acquaintances who have decided to always leave their door open and never close the blinds in their room so as to not have any opportunity for temptation. That’s extreme, of course–but people go to great lengths in this area.

My personal experience leads me to believe that constantly focusing on avoiding sexual temptation can itself be a backdoor to immorality.

Take my experience with another appetite as an analogy: dessert.

I love dessert, but can’t and shouldn’t always have it. Constantly focusing on the idea: “I can’t eat dessert all the time” creates an unfulfilled longing that just lingers in the mind until I finally relent and have some.

As an alternative, I can think about other things. I can do other things. Indeed, the bible has several references to this strategy for living, generally.

Matthew 6:25 says: “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?”

Life is much more than my gender or my sexual desires. As the Apostle Paul writes, “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you” (Philippians 3:15-16).

If we are striving for something other than the upward call (which we all do, in some way), we need to change our thinking. Otherwise, we are not following Christ’s example: “For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things” (Philippians 3:18-19).

Is our gender identity or our sexual appetite a source of idolatry in our lives? How can we tell?

Appetite as an Idol

How much of my daily life is consumed by thinking about something?

My smartphone is one culprit; I hate leaving home without it as a lifeline to my schedule, my entertainment, my fitness goals, my friends and family. 

I can use it to show off my drawings. I’m even writing this blog on it.

If sex or gender identity takes on that level of devotion, where I filter my activity through it, where my thoughts are consumed by it, then it is an earthly thing that I have set my mind on.

I used to not want to draw, or even post pictures of a pretty flower or sunset, because that’s not exactly manly.

Real men don’t draw flowers for their daughters, right? But she felt loved because I did.

But, I’d be a worse dad for not doing it, I feel–just to preserve some fleeting sense of manliness.

If we cannot sacrifice our desires and identity for others, sacrifice our identity for others, then perhaps we walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Our sexuality or gender should not be more important than our relationship with God.

We need to understand the biblical vision of sexuality as a physical relationship to consider how it can go wrong as well as what it's intended to be. Click To Tweet