When was the last time you and your friends engaged in an honest conversation about the purpose of sex? In my experience, such conversations seldom happen. When we do go there, it seems we limit the purpose of sex to procreation and pleasure. And this leaves out two significant components of martial intimacy: bonding and healing. By understanding the role of bonding and healing in sex, our intimate lives take on another dimension.

In the earlier years of our marriage, my husband was subject to occasional shame attacks. Triggered by a professional or parenting blunder, he would succumb to believing the worst about himself and then magnify his faults. During one such attack, he resisted all of my attempts to comfort and encourage him. As I took my frustration to God in prayer, I sensed the Holy Spirit encouraging me to invite my husband to be intimate. My first response? No! Let me explain.

Our intimate life has always been easy and fulfilling. It’s helped us to connect and provided great pleasure. However, from day one, we promised each other that we would never fake anything and always be emotionally present to each other. That meant I would need to let go of my frustration and be completely vulnerable with him. Because I trusted God to give me what I needed, I expressed my desire to make love that night. My husband was taken aback, knowing full well how difficult he had been in the preceding days.

It was a momentous and transcendent night. He felt unworthy of my love. I loved him anyway. That tangible, tender love broke the power of his shame, bringing tears and restoration. Since then, he has been quicker to recognize shame and quicker to work his way out of a shame spiral. Most of us are well aware that sex can be destructive and cause deep hurt. But the opposite is also true: in the context of a covenanted relationship, sex can be healing.

To live out that reality, we need to embrace our God-given sexuality and acknowledge its importance in our marriages. The pleasure derived from sexual intimacy can and should be received as one of God’s many gifts to us. Based on how He designed the human body and the process of procreation, his intentions  are quite clear. As this passage from Song of Songs idicates, sexual pleasure is meant to be enjoyed:

“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices.” (Song of Songs 3:9-10)

In addition to the pleasure factor, mutually-fulfilling sex also helps us to bond with our spouse. Bonding is the process of connecting with another human on the deepest levels. If we were raised in a healthy enough family, we learned how to bond with our parents (or caregivers) during the first two years of our life. Bonding teaches us that we’re worthy of love which helps us to feel secure and at peace in all future relationships. In the context of marriage, bonding is akin to cleaving. Jesus reiterates the Genesis mandate to cleave in a conversation with the Pharisees:

“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

Our connection or bond with each other should deepen with each passing year. One of the many ways that happens is through being intimate. 

The hormones that get released when we make love actually augment bonding. That’s why holding each other after sex is every bit as important as having an orgasm. The trust and vulnerability that naturally build when we share our bodies then strengthen and fortify us in our unique calling as a couple. What happens in the bedroom Sunday night might actually empower us to do whatever life asks of us on Monday morning. (This is not to imply that if a couple is unable to have intercourse due to a health complication or a disability that they are exempt from the all these benefits. Skin to skin contact and meaningful touch can also bring sensual pleasure and deep connection.)

Having an awareness that sex helps us to bond and heals our wounds enhances the richness and meaning of intimacy. Even though we’re often tired and always have another dozen items on our to-do lists, we need to prioritize being intimate on a regular basis so that we can stay connected and—if only for a moment—transcend the pressures and disappointments of life. As we give ourselves over to God’s creative intent, the marriage bed can indeed become a pleasurable, sacred, and holy place.

Having an awareness that sex helps us to bond and heals our wounds enhances the richness and meaning of intimacy within marriage. Click To Tweet

You can read more about the beauty of marriage and sexual intimacy in Dorothy’s book, Making Marriage Beautiful.